The bookcase is a classic training apparatus. It offers height, structure and a good selection of paperbacks. It also offers, if used carelessly, a collapse. In this guide we describe how to land from a bookcase without taking the bookcase with you.
Before you climb
Inspect the bookcase. Is it securely attached to the wall? Is it heavy? Is it loaded evenly? A bookcase that wobbles is a bookcase that has plans. A bookcase that has plans will carry them out at the worst moment, usually mid leap.
Climbing technique
- Start with the lowest shelf, using the books as steps
- Use the vertical edges for balance
- Keep your weight against the wall
- Do not step on a book that is sticking out
- Never climb a shelf that contains a plant
The summit
Once at the top, sit and observe the room. This is not a time to leap. It is a time to breathe, to straighten your whiskers and to consider your decisions. Many cadets forget this step. They arrive at the top and jump out of excitement, which is known in the Academy as An Event.
The launch
Choose a landing site that is soft, large and empty. Crouch, wiggle, and spring outwards and slightly down. Push gently from the top of the shelf with your back legs, to avoid dislodging the books. A common error is to push too hard, which sends the books to the floor first, giving the cadet a rather elaborate soundtrack.
The landing
Land on all four feet, with knees bent, spine rounded and tail straight. Allow your body to absorb the impact. Then walk away calmly, as though you have done this every day.
After the landing
Look behind you. If the bookcase is still standing, you have succeeded. If the bookcase is leaning, you have succeeded with caveats. If the bookcase is lying on the floor, you have received Remedial Training.
Instructor’s note
‘Always leave the bookcase better than you found it,’ said Captain Maximilian Pounce. ‘That means with fewer paw prints.’ He has been told this is impossible, and has marked the statement as ‘aspirational’.
This guide is a parody and should not be taken as real advice about bookcases, cats or physics.
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