SAFETY BULLETIN NUMBER 47
Issued by the Office of Flight Safety, Tailspin Flight Academy.
It has come to the attention of the Academy that several cadets have been launching from the curtain rail at full weight. This practice has resulted in damage to the rail, the curtain, the wall and the cadet’s confidence. We remind all students of the correct procedures.
The problem
Curtain rails are designed to hold curtains. They are not designed to hold cats. A rail carries a limited load, typically the weight of fabric, and its fixings are small, polite and easily disappointed. When a cadet leaps from the rail, the load increases suddenly, and the rail has opinions about it.
Observed incidents this term
- Four rails detached from the wall
- Two curtains torn from their hooks
- One cadet suspended by a claw for eleven minutes
- One cadet who landed on the correct side but with the curtain as a cape
Safe practice
Cadets should observe the following rules:
- Climb the curtain only to the first third
- Use the curtain for balance, not for weight
- Never launch from the rail itself
- Look at the floor before leaping, and not after
Equipment checks
Before any launch, cadets must inspect the rail for the following:
- Screws that are visible, loose or whistling
- Bends in the pole
- A suspicious sag towards the middle
- A human standing underneath looking worried
What to do if the rail starts to fall
Remain calm. A falling rail is a descent exercise. Spread your limbs, arch your back and aim for the sofa. If the sofa is occupied, aim for the human, who has been trained for this and will complain quietly.
Remedial training
Any cadet found launching from a rail will be required to attend a refresher course. The course consists of one hour of sitting on a low shelf, watching a video of a rail falling slowly. The video is nine seconds long and has been repeated seventy times.
A note from the Captain
‘A good launch respects the structure,’ said Captain Maximilian Pounce. ‘A great launch respects the structure and also lands on the sofa.’ He asked us to add that this bulletin is a parody and that no real curtain was harmed. A real curtain was, in fact, harmed, but we have chosen not to say so.
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