Welcome, cadets, to Tailspin Flight Academy. I am Captain Maximilian Pounce, founder and chief instructor, and I am delighted to see so many bright faces, and a few dim ones at the back who are asleep. Ground school begins now. Lesson one is simple: sitting on the wardrobe.
Why start on the ground?
Every great flight begins with a good seat. A pilot who cannot sit has no business jumping. Our wardrobe, a large oak piece donated by a well wishing aunt, stands two metres tall and offers a splendid view of the room. It is the Academy’s tallest runway.
The three principles of sitting
- Stillness: a cadet must be able to remain motionless for long periods, ideally while looking at nothing
- Awareness: a cadet must know where every object in the room is, especially the ones about to fall
- Posture: a cadet must sit like a loaf, with paws tucked and tail wrapped, and an expression of quiet authority
Getting up there
Climbing the wardrobe is a skill in itself. Begin on the chair, move to the dresser, and from there to the top shelf. Do not rush. A rushed climb ends in a rushed descent, and we teach descent in the second term.
What you will see
From the top of the wardrobe you can see the entire room. You will see the door, the window, the cupboard and the human, who will look small. This is intentional. It is the first lesson in perspective. The human is small. You are high. The universe is in order.
Common errors
- Looking down too soon, which causes dizziness and a loss of dignity
- Climbing in the dark, which causes surprises
- Sitting on the edge, which causes launches, which we address later
- Falling asleep, which is allowed but not examined
Your first assignment
Sit on the wardrobe for twenty minutes. Observe the room. Write a short report, in your head, on everything you saw. Do not share it with anyone, as it will be graded in the usual way, by me, with a long look.
Closing words
Remember: gravity is a suggestion, and the wardrobe is a classroom. I am proud of every cadet who has made it this far, and especially proud of the ones who made it down. Class dismissed. Please remain on the wardrobe until the next lesson.
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