Annual Graduation Day: Remarks by the Chief Instructor, Delivered Mostly Asleep

Distinguished guests, proud humans, sleepy cadets, welcome to Graduation Day at Tailspin Flight Academy. I am Captain Maximilian Pounce. I will be giving the address from this cushion, as the stage has been taken by a cadet named Toast, who graduated early by lying on it.

A year to remember

This year our cadets have achieved a great deal. They have climbed the wardrobe, the fridge and the bookcase. They have landed on sofas, rugs and, in one case, a sleeping human. They have learned the three great truths of flight: look first, leap second, deny everything.

Awards

• The Silver Whisker, for the most graceful landing, goes to Cadet Biscuit
• The Golden Paw, for the longest sit on a high shelf, goes to Cadet Pepper, who has not yet come down
• The Crooked Tail Award, for perseverance after a missed leap, goes to Cadet Ziggy
• The Quiet Wing Medal, for lying very still during an emergency, goes to everyone

What we learned

We learned that gravity is real, but negotiable. We learned that a curtain is not a ladder, though it behaves like one. We learned that a window is for looking, and a floor is for arriving. And we learned that the best landings are the ones nobody sees.

Words of advice

To the graduating class, I offer three pieces of advice:

• Always know where your cushion is
• Never trust a shelf that has been recently dusted
• When in doubt, sit and wait, as the problem will usually move on

Gratitude

I would like to thank our instructors, who have taught with patience and a good deal of sitting. I would like to thank Wing Commander Mittens, who has served as mascot, example and warning. And I would like to thank the humans, who pay the fees, and who clap politely at the end.

Looking ahead

Next year we will introduce a new course in Advanced Pouncing, which is mostly the same as the current course but with more shouting. We will also open a new wing of the Academy, in the form of a larger box.

Now, if you will excuse me, I must lie down. Please enjoy the refreshments, which are fish shaped, and which are for the cadets. The humans may have the crumbs.

This is a parody event. No real graduation took place. The cushion was, however, genuine.